Mental Health Matters

 

Mental Health Matters

In this day and age, there is definitely an awareness of mental health.  It almost feels new.  People seem to be more likely to talk about it than maybe 50 years ago.  There is still a strong fear that people will judge or misunderstand. 

I still have that same fear, but I’d like to face that and be open about the challenges I have gone through.  My hope is that sharing could help someone else be brave and more open.  And perhaps someone out there is waiting for some encouragement to seek more help to be healthy!  There is no shame in trying to better yourself.

Here is my story:

Back in 2016, a few months after I had my third baby, I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression and Anxiety.  It is hard to write those words!  It was a very dark and hard time for me.  I was struggling with depression when I was pregnant, and it didn't go away after.  I was overwhelmed and struggling in every sense of the word!  You know that saying from Jim Gaffigan about having more kids?  “Its like you’re drowning, and then someone hands you a baby”. :P  That is where I was at in that point of my life.  I was just trying so hard take care of my two young boys who at the time were extra-active 3 year old and 1 year old.  I was in survival mode.  And then I found out I was pregnant... Haha. Whoa, it was a flood of emotions I was unprepared for.  I felt overwhelmed and incapable.  I was scared I wouldn’t be able to handle all of the responsibility.

For a couple of months after I had my daughter, I tried to put on a brave face.  I tried really hard to not let anyone know how deeply I was hurting.  My husband and my Mom and Dad were probably the only ones who knew what I was battling with.  As the time went on, I would have panic attacks and beg my husband to stay home with me and help me with the kids.  I had a very hard time getting out of bed on many days. The panic attacks felt like I was struggling to breathe.  Pain and fear gripped me in a way I had never experienced before.  I would have strong thoughts of "You can't do this.  You are not able to be a good Mom.  You are a terrible person" over and over again.  By the time morning came, I would be completely sick to my stomach with feelings of failure.  We were so very lucky that my Husband's job let him take some time off and work from home some days.  I am forever grateful for that!

Well, it took a few months of this loop before I sought professional help.  I had talked to my OBGYN office, but they couldn't do very much for me except prescribe medication.  They referred to a counselor in Ogden, but I knew that was too far for me and it would be difficult to go with my kids.  I was nervous about it and didn't see how I could make it to appointments.  {Sorry I know this is getting dark and sad, thanks for sticking with me so far}.  I FINALLY checked with our insurance and made an appointment with my husbands encouragement to see a counselor.  I found a WONDERFUL LCSW therapist in Farmington and booked an appointment.  It was just exactly what I needed.  I started seeing her once a week.  She helped me so much to face my deep fears and to help me start better habits.

Having professional counseling and also discussing medication with her helped me climb out of that black hole I was in.  By all means, this doesn't mean it was easy.  I felt like I was trudging through mud and barely making progress on a lot of days.  Slowly, after adding in more exercise, adjusting my medications, leaning on my husband, taking better care of my mental and physical health, and asking for help from my family, I started to feel lighter.  I started to feel more like myself slowly, day by day.  It was so difficult in the moment to explain to any of my friends and neighbors what was going on.  I didn't know how to understand it myself.  I didn't know what I had gone through until I was mostly through it and feeling better.  I realize now that I was withdrawn because I didn't want to burden anyone.  

I also want to mention how crucial it was I talk about it with Kev.  It was such a difficult time for our little family.  Handling 3 kids under 5 years old can be hard on any day, and I felt so bad to make it so much worse!  I felt so bad to complain when I knew he was trying to do his best to help. I'm so grateful he was there for me and fought through the terrible days with me.  I was also worried about him, and felt bad for struggling like I was. I'm so grateful for him.

 In the end I now know that I really needed to reach out to a doctor and a counselor earlier.  Much, much earlier!  I waited until my daughter was about 3 and 1/2 months old. 

I'm SO so glad I was able to find good help.  Sometimes the "blues" are not just the blues.  They are persistent and relentless.  On a spiritual level, I can recognize that those negative and belittling thoughts were from Satan, and not my Heavenly Father.  My Heavenly Father encourages and supports me.  At that dark time, it was like I couldn't feel the Spirit.  It was like I was cut off from any positive light.  I don't know why I felt so dark. i have a lot of empathy now for people going through any emotional problems.  I have empathy for what it feels like to be anxious or depressed.  Maybe that was what I was meant to learn from all of it.  I believe it was definitely a chemical imbalance that I needed help to get a "push" in the right direction.  I am grateful for modern medicine!  It truly helped me.

Ok, so now for the better part.  Whew. 

What did I learn??

I learned compassion.  I learned empathy and sympathy.  I learned to be more honest with my real feelings even if they are negative and scary.  I learned to trust my Husband more.  I learned I needed to trust myself.  I learned its OK to ask for help!  I learned there is not shame in saying "I am having a really rough time".  And I learned to not give up. I learned to love my children more imperfectly and do the best I can.  My kids were so loving and sweet through all of it.  And they probably were too young to remember.  Its okay to embrace imperfection and keep going, one day at a time.

I think one of the biggest lessons I learned-is to take it one day at a time, then one week at a time.  Don't get too ahead of where you are, and where you want to be!  My counselor talked to me a lot about that.  I'm grateful for that help.

So, over time it certainly got better and I feel like I no longer suffer with Post-Partum Anxiety and Depression. {Knock on wood} It took at least a year to feel more like myself again.  We moved to American Fork when my daughter was 5 months old.  That for sure gave me a jump start and helped me refocus.  That was also a positive change for me to have a fresh start.  

In the end, I just want to reiterate that it is okay to ask for help.  I am so glad I did!  I still struggle from time to time and I'm grateful for the toolbox and skills I have.  It doesn't happen overnight, but positive change CAN happen! Please forgive me for any weaknesses with the writing.  It is hared to put it all into words.  I'm grateful to have gone through it, as strange as that may sound.  It really did make me stronger.  I believe that it will get better and take it one day at a time.  Hope this helps someone going through anything like this. 

You are loved and you are worth it!

Love you all!